maybe the fact that im not as needed as i thought i am made me felt lost; maybe the fact that im needing more than i used to made me felt useless.

today is the start of school again after one whole week of 'holiday'. didnt really sleep well for the night. but im not feeling really tire. i think i thought of alot of things before i slept.

was wishing that dear was here to pei me to school. i opened my door, and was feeling rather sad that i didnt see him. but when i walked down the stairs, a familiar fat image caught my eyes, and left me thinking if still in lalaland. but NO! dear was there! right there before me. darn happy. i might even fly over the moon if gravitational force hadnt been acting on me then.

some things cropped up, and left dear unhappy for the rest of the day. yet, as a gf, i cant do anything to make him feel a single bit better. i CANT even console him nor sit quietly by him. i think if i were the secondary school me, i might not have 'given the teacher face' and gave dear a hug straight le ba. at least, to me that was what he needed the most at that point of time.

sometimes, maybe things dont seem to be like how they were portrayed, but by giving in, then case should be solved ba. im rather unhappy about something today. unhappy and sad and disappointed with myself. i didnt know what to do. i read thru the past messages that dear sent me. then i realised how idiot i am. bf always gave in to my weird temper. but seems like, the one making him angry is me; the one driving him probably near his grave is me; the one who asked more than what he could give is me; the one who cant understand him is also me. etc. i dont have to state everything out to convince myself ba.

im useless. when my bf is down, i dont know how to cheer him up like how he can when im down. i can only listen to him. i dont know how to give advice. the only things i will say will be 'cheer up' , 'dont so stress, take a break' , 'dont smile then not handsome lo!' etc. things which i know that will not lighten up his day. that's why i chose to be quiet. but by being quiet doesnt help him. he needs someone to talk to, so he complain to me, isnt it? and by being quiet, is as well as he is talking to himself or to a dummy. yet, what can i do???

when bf needs me most, WHERE THE HELL AM I? perhaps, i dont even know when does he need me. how useless right? call myself his gf? what did i do to deserve to be? by being demanding? by throwing tantrums? by not understanding him? by depriving things which make him happy? maybe, im really beyond redemption.

i wanted to care, yet i always didnt do a good job. by using soft methods, hard methods, i also cant convey the message of how much i care across to him. instead, i only know how to add on to his burden. (im sorry dear, but i really didnt mean to de.) how lousy can his girl get?

although sometimes he did have his unreasonable times, but he is also a human who needs to rant ah. and i should be more than willing to let him rant in front of me, which he doesnt in front of others. i should learn to be more understanding and not argue back when dear is not in a good mood. although sometimes dear would, unknowingly say some things which hurts, i should learn to take them positively. a sentence made me felt abit hurt, but it's ok, i know you meant us good.

despite liking to felt needed, yet ironically, i wanted to be like a baby to bf, with him to make every decision for me and block me from all danger. i trust that he will not let me get hurt. and that is why i am not afraid or scare of anything with him around ba.

but no matter what, some things are for sure. i am ALWAYS here for you, and I LOVE YOU, more than any other people do. (maybe your mum is the only comparable one but different categories eh! >.<)

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